Keeping My Head Above Water - Notes From an Empath's Journal

Being an empath has its challenges. Cultivating empathy and being an empath are two different situations.  I’ve found a key for myself to being an empath in a world of strangers.  Maybe it could help you.  Before I step out my door into the world, I connect with my heart, the spark deep within it.  It can be a surprisingly resistant journey to that spark, considering I like to think of myself as a loving person.  ( Spoiler alert: being loving & self love are at the core of the matter ).

This was the case last Tuesday before going to get a front brake job on my pick-up truck.  I’ve been working with a self-devised system of intent combined with visualization in order to avoid the overwhelm, panic, exhaustion and loss of self that has increasingly accompanied me in this year of worldwide panic as I venture out among others.   I went into meditation and found the spark, restored my sense of myself and looked forward to a relatively quiet waiting room at the garage.  There would be a few but enough people to test my new mode - the empathic warrior, maintaining myself as myself.  With my heart connection established, my imaginary ninja sword to cut off the feelings of others strapped to my back, and a good book for the waiting room; I was happy.  I will no longer remain a victim of others or this gift.

On my way to the mechanic, knowing the test before me, I set my intent to recognize and catch the moment when it happens, to cut it off before I sink beneath the waves of feelings.  The waiting room was empty, I let out a sigh of relief.   The people behind the glass in the office were busily enjoying the community sense of their workplace.  Another reason to use this shop, it generally feels good here….and yes, they take good care of my truck.  Into the book and my tablet. I’m even happier to just freely play in my head for a while.

Several people, one by one, came in and then left after talking to the person behind the glass.  I lifted my eyes, remembered my sword and consciously assessed their emotional state.  None of it stuck.  Yes!  I don’t have to be emotional Velcro. Good so far. This made me even happier.  Then a woman my age – late 60’s – came to sit and wait for a vehicle belonging to the Council on Aging.  She greeted others in the office and a customer or two with the warm smile and chit chat of someone who works with people or… she has reached that retired stage of life when the priority of human connection has moved to the forefront with each passing year.  She sat, I watched, she took out a pad and pen and started making somewhat labored notes.  Ok…good, she is busy and doesn’t need me.  ( I know that sounds terribly egotistical, I know. )

Am I allowed to be happy when someone else isn’t?????

Back to the book, I looked up and across to her and felt her mild confusion/doubt/concerns. I felt my Higher Self (yes another tool, a connection with Higher Self ) whisper in my left ear  “Watch out!”  Huh?  The woman is just writing her notes, head down and absorbed.  I went back to my book.

The next thing I knew I was no longer happy but instead was fretting. Did I do the right thing? Did I miss something?  Am I doing this right?  Should I look up and engage her?  Am I a loving person?  What do I do?  I was slipping below the waves of concern, confusion and self doubt.   Am I going to keep to my happy heart, reading my book?   Or give over to my instinct? An instinct to interact with her in order to make her/me feel better? ( Do I wish her to feel happier so in turn I would feel happier? Do I NEED someone else to be happy for me to be happy – the empath’s paradox ) Do I need to save the world this morning?  Can I martyr myself one more time?  Am I allowed to be happy when someone else isn’t?????

These were MY THOUGHTS…but the FEELINGS originated with her.  I was allowing myself to be in sympathetic resonance with her feelings.  This is why the message “Watch Out!”  Got it!

In the past, from my open heartedness I would have automatically engaged her and then on the way home be fretting about all sorts of things. Did they tighten the lug nuts, is that different sound from the front end, did I close up the chickens before I left, did I turn the dryer back on…all sorts of my thoughts floating on a feeling of self doubt that wasn’t originally mine.  I would return home and my husband would wonder what happened, where did the real me go and was there a problem with the truck?  Classic Martyrhood.

This Tuesday was different.  I caught it and in recognition quickly dispelled and denied the FEELINGS as NOT mine and watched my self-doubting THOUGHTS evaporate. I returned happy to my book and even took a second to make notes on this awareness.  Once that was done, I felt even happier.   After a while I tired of the book, put it down and started up a friendly chat with the woman. Ha!…take that unbridled empathy!  It was very pleasant, for both of us.  Resonances raised, she left seeming vaguely happy.  And I felt wonderfully secure.

I ain’t afraid of no ghosts… victim no more. I can make myself safe if I am willing to recognize my needs and love myself first.  Then loving others is win-win.  That is a wave of energy worth repeating.

A.M. 2021